tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33679431821640538262024-02-19T21:01:11.111-08:00Le Bam BamIn mare parte voi abera. Despre mine si problemele mele. Nu consider lucrul asta un blog, ci mai mult un jurnal.Veehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03761668110000545107noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3367943182164053826.post-70321935811982641172010-02-25T14:49:00.000-08:002010-02-25T14:55:42.017-08:00Speechless<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3tRX2E0AJD_YPSOVXylcmo0Q7_DkVmsnpWWoI0ZIxh20mj-0NKNngILHjtEV8iboJrppk1Y1pgNPkztAyrjRw5ftQ_Vj7HFKhWGXQptCJLHeds3lm9oT-Ari2-xMnTJ7X1EGYSUVMtsA/s1600-h/Monster.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3tRX2E0AJD_YPSOVXylcmo0Q7_DkVmsnpWWoI0ZIxh20mj-0NKNngILHjtEV8iboJrppk1Y1pgNPkztAyrjRw5ftQ_Vj7HFKhWGXQptCJLHeds3lm9oT-Ari2-xMnTJ7X1EGYSUVMtsA/s320/Monster.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5442318059096575506" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> <span style="font-size:130%;">Si se face iar ca imi vine sa urluuuuuuuuuuuu! Nu, nu se mai poate, citesc alte postari, si acum sunt in dezacord total cu ce am scris. Nu am dreptate! Ma enervez ca din cand in cand nu am puterea de a-mi urma propriile sfaturi. Majoritatea prietenilor imi spun: "</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >Frate, dar spune-i k il placi si gata! Daca ii place, bine, daca nu, iara bine!</span><span style="font-size:130%;">". Bineinteles, voi prietenilor, nu v-ati pus in situatia mea. Eu ma gandesc si la felul in care reactioneaza, si nu! Nu e bine daca nu e bine, e bine numai daca e bine. Intelegi tu? Ca eu nu prea ma inteleg. Adica, am iesit aseara cu Irina, Andu si Ada in </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >Goblin</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> (deh, petrecere tematica de </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >Dragobete</span><span style="font-size:130%;">) si de cum am intrat am dat peste un tip dragut. M-am ciocnit de el toata seara pana cand am facut cunostinta si am stat la taclale vreo juma de ora, timp in care nu mi-o sarit </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >THE NAME</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> in minte. Asta pana in ultimele minute, dupa ce am realizat ca tipul chiar e dragut cu parul ala cret zburlit in toate partile si cu acei ochi verzi hipnotici. Oh! Foarte cute, ce sa mai. Pana sa vina </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >el</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> in mintea mea. Damn you, boy! Si vroiam atat de mult sa ii cer numarul de telefon lui </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >O</span><span style="font-size:130%;">. Dar deh, presupun ca o sa il mai vad prin Goblinash. </span></span> <span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > <br /> Daca iti promit ca nu voi mai vorbi vreodata, ca nu voi mai iubi vreodata... Ca nu voi mai scrie sau citi ceva vreodata... Would you give it all up? Could you give it all up?... </span> <span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > <br /> Nu.<br /></span> <span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > Why you so speechless?</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /> </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Bon nuit. Bam Bam out.</span>Veehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03761668110000545107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3367943182164053826.post-61562665574196801642010-02-23T02:12:00.000-08:002010-02-24T02:03:29.029-08:00Covered In Skin<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF_ZVGn2ttNR9Zs46Hlw4l4a1swO2m4D3E7vmFzBdaU6bXLzEHuDa4_UtMwFsF8pHj_qIZfJ4NJj2BLR1OtHgIOUCuBDTAW3XvRjSY8ejMbBdC_9MIf4fRSuSqI5iW88FTmnJrLsZlwmQ/s1600-h/Farraway+o.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF_ZVGn2ttNR9Zs46Hlw4l4a1swO2m4D3E7vmFzBdaU6bXLzEHuDa4_UtMwFsF8pHj_qIZfJ4NJj2BLR1OtHgIOUCuBDTAW3XvRjSY8ejMbBdC_9MIf4fRSuSqI5iW88FTmnJrLsZlwmQ/s320/Farraway+o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441748490633444562" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Pe masura ce apa se scurge si raceste usor pe spatele meu ma gandesc cat de imposibil mi-ar fi sa imi imaginez viata mea altfel. Mai buna, mai rea, nu conteaza. Nu stiu cum ar fi putut fi mai diferita de ceea ce imi imaginam acum cativa ani. Dar anii trecuti sunt vagi, lipsiti de sens, goi. Dar cred ca a meritat tot prin ce am trecut pana acum, pentru ca daca nu s-ar fi intamplat mai nimic din lucrurile acelea, nu as fi stiut acum tot ce stiu. Nu sunt lucruri importante, dar sunt lucruri despre mine. Imi place sa cred ca in fiecare zi descopar cate un nou sentiment, sau derivatii ale altor sentimente. </span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Nu as putea niciodata sa ma duc in fata unui baiat sa ii zic ca il plac. Nu as putea niciodata sa stau fata in fata cu o persoana pe care o urasc fara sa rosesc de furie. Imi pot ascunde sentimentele fata de oameni foarte usor. Imi place ca ma balbai atunci cand cineva imi face un compliment. Imi place sa observ cum se uita cineva la mine cu un oarecare respect dar nu spune ce are de spus si deasemenea imi place cand desi nu scoti un sunet vad in ochii tai tot ce ai de spus. Dar nu am curajul sa iti spun ca inteleg. Imi place ca un zambet sincer din partea oricui ma face sa fiu mai buna, chiar daca pentru putin timp. Dar urasc cand cineva nu e sincer. Nu obisnuiesc sa mint, poate ca mai ocolesc adevarul, dar nu in situatii importante. Pot fi egoista, dar si altruista. Imi place sa ajut oamenii dar cand am nevoie, astept sa ma ajuti si tu, ceea ce rar se intampla. Dar nu ma mai deranjeaza pentru ca ma gandesc ca sunt alte lucruri si mai rele. Ce-i drept, pana si eu sunt mai rea cateodata, dar ma simt bine in pielea mea. Si sunt rea numai cu cine cred eu ca merita, sau cu o persoana cu care nu ma inteleg. Nu sunt geloasa si nu invidiez pe nimeni, poate nu in sensul rau al cuvantului.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> Imi place sa beau vin rosu si sa fumez in timp ce citesc o carte buna. Imi place sa vizez inainte sa adorm, sa regizez scurt-metraje in mintea mea pe masura ce adorm. Imi place sa ma gandesc la un anume <span style="font-style: italic;">el</span> pentru ca dupa ceva timp sa imi dau seama ca nu e asa cum m-am gandit eu ca va fi. Imi place sa plang cand sunt singura de fericire, de tristete, nu conteaza, numai ca stiu ca dupa aceea ma voi simti bine, de parca toata greutatea de pe umeri mi-a fost ridicata si s-a risipit prin lume. Imi place ca esti orb, pentru ca in felul asta totul e perfect in mintea mea. Si imi place ca nu intelegi o iota din ce scriu. E destul de amuzant tinand cont ca totul e trecator si ca maine va fi la fel ca azi. Alta zi in care orele trec. Am citit undeva ca pe masura ce trec anii, oamenii nu se schimba, ci devin din ce in ce mai mult ei insisi. Se dezvolta, dar nu se schimba. Numai ca nu inteleg cum de unii din noi nu vor sa stie sau sa faca mai multe. Eu daca nu stiu, daca nu cunosc ma simt pierduta, nu suport sa uit si cateodata imi doresc ca secundele ce s-au transformat in trecut sa nu mai fie atat de incetosate, atat de fugare. Vreau sa sti ca imi e greu sa ignor, dar excelez facand-o. Cateodata e necesar, chiar si pentru a demonstra ceva. Imi e greu sa urasc, dar o fac. Am un gol in stomac care cere sa fie umplut iar ura e cel mai usor de simtit cand ai impresia ca nu poti simti orice altceva. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;" > With the moon i run, far from the carnage of the fire sun.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;"> </span><br /></span>Veehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03761668110000545107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3367943182164053826.post-33791989247014826682010-02-14T14:21:00.000-08:002010-02-24T02:02:51.021-08:00Si contente que je pourrais mourir<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioZ5P9nuQm39xhGr7YlVXleX5vQl9PZHbasGfbKg1FimUshKeZEg6BE0RGKorC08nK1NW34MlK4GK2aewViy2ThXGphmeihyphenhyphen3RgWXB1K6osV5eb7SsyXnNXO9Ztw8oFrIOtVQJBUW43m8/s1600-h/Speechless+o.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioZ5P9nuQm39xhGr7YlVXleX5vQl9PZHbasGfbKg1FimUshKeZEg6BE0RGKorC08nK1NW34MlK4GK2aewViy2ThXGphmeihyphenhyphen3RgWXB1K6osV5eb7SsyXnNXO9Ztw8oFrIOtVQJBUW43m8/s320/Speechless+o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441748317384853378" border="0" /></a><br /><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > Si uite asa se aduna in capul meu, ca un nor negru, indoiala, intrebarea (sau mai bine zis intrebarile), regretul si alte sentimente idioate printre care si eternii fluturasi in stomac. A, stai asa, parca hotarasem ca nu mai am fluturasi, ci lilieci joviali. </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > Cum ma simt acum? Neputiincioasa. Nu suport sa nu stiu ceea ce ma intereseaza cand vine vorba de anumite persoane. Furie. Bla.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > Am un scenariu ce imi ruleaza in cap. E foarte prost. Dar vreau sa il scriu. Sa zicem ca imi place de un tip, </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >A</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > (da, imi plac numele de baieti care incep cu litera A). Eu nu sunt sigura ca </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >A</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > ma place, dar risc si ies cu el si mai multe cunostinte la o cafea/ceai/bere/alcool. Ajung bineinteles, prima cum mi se intampla de obicei, si stau si ma uit pe tavan ca proasta si ma simt aiurea. Ajunge si </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >A</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >. Vai ce scenariu prost. Vroiam sa scriu de prostiia aia de i se intampla oricui la un moment dat in viata, akward silence, dar mi se pare atat de stupid acum scenariul, mai stupid decat am spus-o mai sus. Nu imi iese cum vreau eu pentru ca nu gasesc acele cuvinte potrivite care sa exprime exact ceea ce gandesc si sa ofere o imagine clara a gandurilor mele. Gandurile mele haotice, am atatea pe cap ca nu stiu ce sa scriu mai intai. Tocmai ce vorbesc cu Iulia si ii explic ca in timp ce </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >incerc</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > sa scriu ceva coerent, vad pe ecran, in loc de cuvintele ce le scriu numai un nume. Nu o sa il scriu aici, ati vrea voi heh. Doamne, de obicei vinul rosu ma ajuta sa gandesc dar acum oricat beau nu isi face efectul, nici macar nu ma ametesc. Deci nici beata nu sunt si scriu prostii. Gata cu prostiile astea. O sa scriu ce imi vine in minte instantaneu! ... Nu! Acelasi nume! E peste tot! Isuse ati vazut filmul </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >The number 23</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >? Cum vedea Jim peste tot acel idiot numar? Asa vad eu acest nume.La fereastra unde scriu in loc de x, vad </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >the name</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >, in loc de minimize si maximize, </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >the name</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >. Cand iese cineva sau intra pe Y!M, </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >THE NAME</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >! E peste tot! E clar, Iulia are dreptate, sunt ametita, aeriana, am inebunit total.Si mai e si </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Valentine's Gay</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >, pardon, </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Day</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >. Peste tot numai kitch. Inimioare in </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Mall Vitan</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > rosii si kitch. Cesuri idioate roz si kitch. Pasarele kitch ce canta un cantecel kitch. Reduceri peste tot pentru ca e normal, dar e si kitch bai fratilor. Cupluri cu trandafiri in mana = kitch, pupaceli si priviri sclipitoare de ti se face greata = kitch. Mai </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >kitch </span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >de atat nu se poate. In reviste numai articole gen cum sa iti dai iubitul pe spate cu un masaj apoi un sex kitch si banal. Logodne, casatorii, ursuleti si inimioare de plus kitch. In the end, toata dragostea asta e kitch si ti se face rau fizic cat si psihic de la ea. Si ziua asta nu se putea sa devina mai rea si idioata! Am mai vazut si un clovn! Am fobie fratilor. I-ar da de mancare la caini de oroare ce am de ei. Dar cica o sa ma tratez. Ihi, nu prea am incredere. Si daca (DACA!), daca voi scapa de frica, tot ii voi ura pana mor. Ai dracu de veseli ce sunt ei cu piuitoarea aia enervanta de ma zgarie pe creier. Le-as baga o lita pe nas sa le scot praful ala din cap ce il numesc creier. </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" > Dar destul despre fobia si lucrurile ce sunt neinregula la mine. Am avut o zi relativ buna, daca e sa sarim peste durerea de picior ce m-a chinuit, gandurile si curiozitatea ce se cuibareau in mine pe masura ce trageam fumul in piept. Stiu, stiu ca nu e adevarat, si ca ale mele sperante sunt in van, dar nu ma pot abtine sa imi imaginez. Mi-e inposibil. Desi inima imi zice: Stop! Mintea imi merge incontinuu si face filme idioate si imposibile. </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Ouvre-moi ton coeur et ta ment. </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Bon nuit, mon amour. </span>Veehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03761668110000545107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3367943182164053826.post-36945129451311330752010-02-02T04:44:00.000-08:002010-02-24T02:02:14.326-08:00Echo<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis6ohTIhmACsHuRNilDbaWjTM-gTdaKNfRqK8LyB1hylPbWTpoGJnKQAUZXspZYyAMItIZnQJTHPgXltWl8gXAc360QoDCh0ICf0xzmnNPLszdyuICGQ0SlVUm91w26jxlDX6tlm-ASBs/s1600-h/December+2009+ID+o.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 226px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis6ohTIhmACsHuRNilDbaWjTM-gTdaKNfRqK8LyB1hylPbWTpoGJnKQAUZXspZYyAMItIZnQJTHPgXltWl8gXAc360QoDCh0ICf0xzmnNPLszdyuICGQ0SlVUm91w26jxlDX6tlm-ASBs/s320/December+2009+ID+o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441748162766519010" border="0" /></a><br /><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" ><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> Ecouri ale zilelor ce au trecut. Ecoul zgomotului pe care il face paharul cand atinge podeaua. Ecouri ale personajelor fantastice din cartile ce le citesc mereu. Eouri ale muzicii ce imi plimba in minte. Ecoul sangelui ce imi curge prin vene. Ecouri ale poeziilor cantate de necunoscuti. Ecoul tastaturii in camera goala cand scriu. Ecoul viorii cand plange intr-o sala plina de imbuibati. Al copiilor ce plang dupa mame or tati. Al sarutului ce il primesti pentru prima oara. Ecou al primilor pasi pe malul marii intr-o noapte de mai si al ultimilor pasi pe un camp plin de mac intr-o amiaza de iunie. Ecoul primelor priviri in ochii celui pe care crezi ca il iubesti. Al primii dezamagiri reale si palpabile. Ecoul primei atingeri a unei maini calde cand te simti de parca ar fi ultima. Ecoul lacrimilor care sti ca vor curge neincetat din momentul in care pleaca de langa tine. Ecoul cosmarurilor perfecte dupa care tanjesti seara de seara. Ecoul durerii cand ai cazut de pe biciclata ca tata a uitat sa iti repare franele. Ecoul nerecunostintei altora. Ecoul tineretii ce se scurge din tine. Ecoul care iti suna in minte replicand cuvintele mamei cand ti-a zis sa nu o faci... Si ai facut-o. Ecoul adolescentei pierdute cu prea multe droguri si alcool. Ecoul regretelor ca ai dat la o facultate ce nu iti placea. Ecoul batailor inimii ce a fost zmulsa si batuta in cuie pe un perete ca un trofeu. Ecoul primului acord de chitara intr-o dimineata rece. Ecoul strigatului de furie dimineata la ora 4. Ecoul respiratiei care da afara fumul din piept. Ecoul corului de la biserica din coltul blocului. Ecoul sunetului miraculos ce te trezea dimineata devreme timp de un an intreg. Ecoul paginilor jurnalului pe care il rasfoiesti dupa ani de zile. Ecoul rasului. Ecoul primei seri in care nu ai simtit frigul. Ecoul primului <span style="font-style: italic;">te iubesc</span> si primului <span style="font-style: italic;">te urasc</span>. Ecoul pamantului care se roteste prea repede. Ecoul timpului pierdut. Ecoul unui mijloc de zi langa un rau. Ecoul viselor ce le uiti cand dimineata isi varsa lumina in ochii tai. Ecoul cainilor ce latra cand aud usa de la intrare. Ecoul provocat de strapungerea unui ac in vena.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">L'echo d'une lettre ecrite sur une feuille de papier</span>. <span style="font-style: italic;">L'echo de la vie.</span></span>Veehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03761668110000545107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3367943182164053826.post-32107217842255207662009-12-27T15:10:00.000-08:002010-02-24T02:01:36.173-08:00L'Amour Fait Mal<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxd-0Hm_B8UFwt6O8QDQ2_GLrR-kfA3Br0TLz0Bms79t-7Pi_z0BTP0FS2ljlQLhfuVawKV0ER8Y-XE-08dZcCYxneegX5r25mVD4Ip-NE80fNAqLWiZKMRisEBTx0Y61g9NuCaUfK3xE/s1600-h/Affinity+o.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxd-0Hm_B8UFwt6O8QDQ2_GLrR-kfA3Br0TLz0Bms79t-7Pi_z0BTP0FS2ljlQLhfuVawKV0ER8Y-XE-08dZcCYxneegX5r25mVD4Ip-NE80fNAqLWiZKMRisEBTx0Y61g9NuCaUfK3xE/s320/Affinity+o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441747990454139266" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:times new roman;">As vrea sa pot pleca de aici. De aici unde alegerile care par importante sunt de fapt gresite si duc la dezastre inimaginabile. De aici unde mintea simpla a acestor oameni simpli duc la alte dezastre, catastrofe si atrocitati de tot soiul. De aici unde viata la suprafata e roz, cand colo, e de un negru abominabil pe dinauntru. De aici unde toti ceilalti sunt umbre, iar eu devn fum. </span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Am primit totdeauna palme peste obraji de la viata. Sunt neagra pe dinauntru de la vanataile adunate in timp. Inima in loc sa imi pompeze sange, imi pompeaza durere in vene din pricina pumnalelor otravite de cuvinte nepotrivite si indurate atata timp. Imi amortesc membrele si nu ma pot misca din pricina lanturilor cu care am fost legata de dragostea ce o simteam pentru cei din jur. </span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Cat de usor ar fi sa opresc viata ce curge prin mine, dar imi lipseste curajul, constiinta, frica. Frica de a nu-i dezamagi pe altii. Totul se rezuma la altii. As vrea ca acei altii sa vada. Sa deschida ochii impaienjeniti de minciuni si sa imi toarne miere din vorbe pe ranile cele mai adanci ale sufletului si mintii mele. Pentru ca eu as face-o pentru ei. Le-as arata ca nu sunt singuri. Dar in schimb as primi vorbe de batjocura ca de fiecare data cand imi deschid inima si vorbesc. Raspunsul este intotdeauna acelasi. Il sti. </span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">A fost un timp cand ma trezeam gandindu-ma la razbunare. Dar pana si dorinta de razbunare mi-a secat ca o fantana uitata de timp.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Am fost inghitita de un abis negru ce in timp a devenit vid. Usor si sigur.</span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">O frica cum nu am mai simtit pune stapanire pe mine, ma face sa tremur, sa plang, sa mor. Fiori pe sira spinarii... Nu ma ajuta. Cad, si nu stiu daca destul de repede incat sa am impresia ca nu ma va durea cand voi atinge fundul. Bataile inimii accelereaza repede si ma doare. Le simt ca pe niste pumnale venite din interior. De parca inima e cea care le arunca. Si imi izbeste pieptul cu o putere de neimaginat. Va sari afara din corpul suferind, scapand astfel si de mintea ce ii impartasea numai greutati. Imi e greu sa vorbesc, imi e greu sa scriu. Imi e teama ca inima-mi va ajunge pe asfalt unde va fi calcata in picioare de mii de ori. Oamenii vor trece nepasatori si neindurati peste ea. Asfalt rece si gri. </span><br /><span style="font-family:times new roman;">Dar sangele rosu din inima mea va colora asfaltul. Si poate cineva va vedea de unde vine culoarea iar peste ceva timp, nimic din ce am scris nu isi va mai avea sensul acesta iar cuvintele nu vor mai exprima durere. </span><br /></span>Veehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03761668110000545107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3367943182164053826.post-35296745847670492652009-12-25T10:29:00.000-08:002010-02-24T02:00:45.716-08:00Vanite<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnQOcC0410Vp6FpvSJq9VA-nG-2217mewatMw7term5Ou-isntrUwkZ4L9iMksNGs-OW9yMYyJEGotvAmd9SZIJIf6tOs1z3o1bOr0iixe4rC6AWnUb6eF3dT83f6SU_oArXh81mIQSjQ/s1600-h/I'm+Alright+o.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnQOcC0410Vp6FpvSJq9VA-nG-2217mewatMw7term5Ou-isntrUwkZ4L9iMksNGs-OW9yMYyJEGotvAmd9SZIJIf6tOs1z3o1bOr0iixe4rC6AWnUb6eF3dT83f6SU_oArXh81mIQSjQ/s320/I'm+Alright+o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441747761775039506" border="0" /></a>
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mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);font-size:100%;" ><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:times new roman;font-size:13pt;" lang="FR" >Ii promisesem lui <span style="font-style: italic;">C</span> ca voi scrie despre complexe. Dar nu imi vine nimic in minte. Asa ca iata ceva ce am scris acum ceva timp.
<br />
<br />Adevarul e ca ma simt inutila in marea majoritate a timpului petrcut in singuratatea asta rece. Ma simt rau. Si de parca raul asta mental nu era deajuns, ma simt rau si fizic. Inima si creierul poarta un razboi continuu, fierbinte. Iar constiinta ii da ordine neintelese sufletului meu oboist. Imi e teama ca in curand durerea imi va amorti si nu voi mai fi in stare sa simt nimic. Asa ca prefer sa ma doara decat sa raman goala pe dinauntru. Frica imi invadeaza plamanii odata liberi si nu mai pot respira. Te rog fa-ma sa respir din nou.
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<br /><o:p></o:p></span></span> <p style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);font-family:times new roman;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:13pt;" lang="FR" >Asteptand, am privit pe geam cum zboara liliecii. Treptat, fluturii din stomac au inceput sa semene din ce in ce mai mult cu acei lilieci juviali..<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);font-family:times new roman;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:13pt;" lang="FR" >Ceva lipseste din viata mea. Ceva poate nu neaparat important, dar necesar. Si nici nu imi pot da seama ce pentru ca nu am liniste pentru a-mi organiza gandurile. </span><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:13pt;" lang="EN-GB" >E prea mare galagie in a mea minte, iar cand incerc sa ascult am impresia ca acele ganduri nici macar nu sunt ale mele. </span><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:13pt;" lang="FR" >Cred ca imi pierd dorinta de a trai, incet si sigur.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);font-family:times new roman;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:13pt;" lang="FR" >Am nevoie de acea persoana pe care sa o iubesc neconditionat. De acel prieten bun care va fi mereu acolo indiferent de cum se va termina ziua. De acea persoana in ochii careia sa privesc fara sa fiu nevoita sa ma uit inapoi nicio secunda. De acel cineva caruia sa ma daruiesc in totalitate fara sa ma simt indemnata de cine stie ce motiv absurd. </span><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:13pt;" lang="EN-GB" >Am nevoie sa traiesc. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p>Veehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03761668110000545107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3367943182164053826.post-17120435659195038502009-12-23T14:14:00.000-08:002010-02-24T01:59:52.597-08:00Further down the river<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDLyEF__sF0s1wG2Q5wtvrz2obwActv7G7Z0Ltjtj-VSLajz8tW5bqOeq51RRtQgr-euXGopPvvfchqoaabtPvDdoP10mrAu0kjXe_58utldM_2kv5zu7ISUoITr4GcNKSiqNiU2sJ6nk/s1600-h/Did+you+really+know+o.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDLyEF__sF0s1wG2Q5wtvrz2obwActv7G7Z0Ltjtj-VSLajz8tW5bqOeq51RRtQgr-euXGopPvvfchqoaabtPvDdoP10mrAu0kjXe_58utldM_2kv5zu7ISUoITr4GcNKSiqNiU2sJ6nk/s320/Did+you+really+know+o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441747558034000786" border="0" /></a><br /><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >19.12.2oo9 – oo:3o De-a lungu-l raului.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >E o melodie de la </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Incubus</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >. Si e foarte placuta. Cand o ascult am impresia ca in aer pluteste un fum auriu-verzui. Am adormit seri la rand cu melodia asta in urechi, imaginandu-ma acolo, imaginandu-mi ca sunt pe acea barca, asteptand sa ma intanesc cu el. Care el? Nici macar nu exista un el. Si in utima vreme m-am trezit cu un sentiment de repulsie si o senzatie de rau la stomac cand venea vorba sa fiu cu cineva. Sa ma impic intr-o relatie sau ceva de genul acesta. Chiar am avut ocazia la un moment dat. Ma tot curta un tip. Inalt, aratos, simpatic, poate si un pic carismatic, dar. Dar! Inca mi se face rau la gandul ca as fi putut fi cu el. La modul cel mai serios. Imi vine sa vars cand ma gandesc. Daca nu as sti mai bine as zice ca sunt insarcinata. Dar asta e departe de adevar. In fine, sa revenim asupra tipului. S-a tot rugat de mine sa ne vedem, incat pana la urma am acceptat s i-am zis sa treaca pe la mine pe la munca. Iesit-am la o tigare, am vorbit putin, ne-am tachinat si mai putin si apoi m-a sarutat, asa ca dupa un refuz insesizabil din partea mea, am cedat curiozitatii. Cred ca ma intrebam daca ma voi simti la fel fizic dupa ce il voi saruta. Ei bine, a fost si mai rau. Asta se intampla alaltaieri. Ieri si azi au urmat torente de telefoane de la el. E ziua lui pe 20. Vroia sa ma duc la el. Vroia sa isi petreaca ziua numai cu mine. Vai. Groaznic. Nu stiam ce sa ma fac. Nu vroiam sa ma duc. Asa ca am decis sa il anunt ca nu ma voi duce. Si azi i-am zis-o. Si i-am mai zis ca nu vreau sa fie nimic intre noi. Nu i-am zis ca imi vine sa vars cand ma gandesc la </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >noi</span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >. I-am zis ca nu ma simt in stare sa intru intr-o relatie. Si s-a terminat. Ave Maria!</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Ieri m-a contactat un fost coleg de liceu pe Y!M. Un tip foarte de treaba, care a renuntat la liceu prin clasa a zecea. Nu l-am mai vazut de 5 ani. Uau. Long time no see. Mi-a fost prieten bun prin liceu, sper sa reluam legatura. Deasemenea imi doresc sa ii vad pe majoritatea dintre fostii colegi, desi nu pe toti. Unii erau chiar pe o lista mare si neagra de-a mea.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Urasc si prostia asta de iarna. Ar fi mult mai usor sa ii scot din casa pe colegi daca ar fi fost vara. Sau macar primavara. Unii din ei s-au transformat in mosi si babe care isi petrec tot timpul acasa la munca sau la scoala. Ce prosti.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Cred ca vinul asta rosu ma face sa fiu putin rea. Dar e atat de bun. Asta e al treilea pahar azi. Plus unul de vin fiert.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >Observ ca de la o vreme ma indepartez de asa zisii mei prieteni. Pentru ca stiu ca ma suna numai cand au nevoie de un prieten/prietena tampon. I-am evitat pe cat de mult posibil, in ciuda rugamintilor stomacului si pieptului de a-i revedea. Pentru ca intuitia mea feminina mi-a dat avertismente intotdeauna ca asta nu-i prietenie adevarata iar acum am decis sa mai ascult si de intuitie.</span>Veehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03761668110000545107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3367943182164053826.post-8659597188223716232009-12-22T15:12:00.000-08:002010-02-24T01:59:12.283-08:00Le silence de la nuit<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" ><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge3n_Nc49jJSb46DaCwFuLAGgYl0lROX0KcGUgDZn_eL0qcbb3lXhq9DBNq9LNrY72tR470k_4_YuVGNKyomfs4vV6eHBTiHl9DVWxumkquSqUfpw9CA1OkHBGVOaK8wfHr_LFE9rNwrs/s1600-h/Gave+Up+o.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge3n_Nc49jJSb46DaCwFuLAGgYl0lROX0KcGUgDZn_eL0qcbb3lXhq9DBNq9LNrY72tR470k_4_YuVGNKyomfs4vV6eHBTiHl9DVWxumkquSqUfpw9CA1OkHBGVOaK8wfHr_LFE9rNwrs/s320/Gave+Up+o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5441746040937796002" border="0" /></a></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;" >
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</w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0; mso-font-charset:1; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0cm; margin-right:0cm; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; 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mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >22.12.2oo9 – o2:53. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" ><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >Am atatea lucruri pe cap incat nu ma pot concentra asupra unuia anume despre care sa vorbesc. Si nici nu ma pot concentra foarte mult asupra gandurilor pentru ca ma doare mana. E de la vremea asta de rahat. Nu suport iarna. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >Sunt putin suparata sau mai bine zis ofticata ca atunci cand incepe sa imi placa de un tip si il vad cu anumiti ochi, la inceput, dupa ce trece ceva timp si nu da niciun semn de interes in sensul in care dau eu semne de inteles, ma dezamageste total si incep sa vad numai lucrurile rele la el. Sau nu neaparat. Vad anumite lucruri care le fac eu sa para rele. Isuse! Aberez, serios! Daca citesc peste cateva zile sau chiar ore ce am scris mai sus, nu o sa inteleg nimic. Vreau sa spun ca imi place de un tip, dar e dobitoc, si nu vede asta. Ati putea spune ca as putea sa ii dau semne mai de inteles, dar nu vreau sa par atat de accesibila. Hai recunoasteti, nici voi nu faceti asta. Parca noi, femeile suntem batute in cap cateodata. Ne place de <i style="">el</i>, si avem impresia ca ii dam toate semnele posibile si imposibile ca <i style="">el</i> sa vada lucrul asta, cand colo, nu facem decat sa il sunam un pic mai des decat ne sunam prietenii apropiati si familia, iar ce-i drept, <i style="">el</i>, nu are de unde sa stie cat de des ii sunam noi pe respectivii de mai sus. Asa ca eu cred ca sunt proasta. Dar nici nu ma pot duce la el sa ii zic raspicat “<i style="">Imi place de tine, ce dracu mai astepti?</i>”. Ar fi chiar aiurea. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >Dar hai sa o lasam balta cu tipul. </span><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" >Cred ca nu e interesat, asa ca <i style="">we move on</i>. </span><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >O colega de serivici, si-a cumparat o carte numita <i style="">Aventurile intime ale unei prostituate de lux londoneze</i>, scrise de cineva sub pseudonimul <i style="">Belle de Jour</i>. Am inceput sa o citesc si eu, plictisita oarecum (insa nu indeajuns haha) de eternele <i style="">Cronici ale vampirilor</i> de <i style="">Anne Rice</i>. Intr-un fel ma fascineaza cartea dar ma si face sa imi casc ochii si gura in acelasi timp la anumite paragrafe (anumite sa se citeasca marea majoritate). Dar merita terminata ce-i drept. O sa va spun ce impact a avut asupra mea curand, Cred ca mai am jumate din ea. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >In alta ordine de idei, ma supara si sarbatorile astea de iarna. Craciunul vine in 3 zile, si inca cateva zile pana la revelion apoi. NU am niciun plan de Craciun. Si pana de curand nu aveam niciun plan nici de revelion. Insa m-am <i style="">regasit</i> cu un fost coleg de liceu recent si m-a invitat la un party dat de el si de prietenii sai intr-un<span style=""> </span>apartament inchiriat. La inceput cred ca vroiam sa merg, eram ok cu idea, dar incet incet, incep sa imi amintesc ca mie nu imi plac petrecerile de revelion. Niciodata nu mi-au placut. Si cred ca asta se datoreaza faptului ca eu mi-am imaginat intotdeauna o petrecere de gen formala. Sau clasica. Apoi ma simt aiurea ca e al doilea an la rand care il petrec solo de sarbatori. Intradevar, am refuzat un tip acum ceva zile sa fim impreuna, dar nu ma simteam bine in preajma sa si ma facea sa imi doresc sa ii provoc durere. Atat fizica cat si mentala. Sincer (si nu spun asta usor, pentru ca am o mandrie a 10 razboinici incorporata in mine), imi pare rau ca nu plec la munte cu prietena mea cea mai buna, desi stiu ca as fi fost acolo pe post de <i style="">tampon</i> pentru a nu se simti ea aiurea in preajma tuturor prietenilor iubitului ei. Ar fi fost mult mai ok. Cred. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >As putea sa il intreb pe <i style="">R</i> ce face de revelion, dar apoi m-as simti nasol sa ii dau vestea fostului coleg de liceu ca nu mai vin la petrecere dupa ce am acceptat deja. Bla bla bla. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >Iata un scenariu <i style="">revelionos</i> ce imi ruleaza in minte de ceva vreme:<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >Sunt cu un grup de prieteni la munte. Oameni ce imi plac in general sa ii am prin preajma. Hai ca il voi simplifica pentru a nu devein cliseu. Nu ca nu este deja. Suntem destui oameni, printre care si cupluri, dar nu toti au venit impreuna cu cineva. Asta se intampla si in cazul meu si al tipului pe care il plac. Sa ii zicem<i style=""> A</i>. El este un personaj mai retras (dar nu va ganditi la retras in genul emo). Ne petrecem timpul mai mult noi doi, ceilalti fiind prea ocupati sa bea si sa se bata cu zapada sau sa faca galagie. Sa zicem ca suntem cazati la cabana respectiva pentru cateva zile de inaintea revelionului si pana dupa. Fiecare doarme in ce camera vrea si cu cine vrea. Eu imi impart camera cu o colega mai petrecareata iar in camera alaturata e cazat <i style="">A</i> cu un prieten de-al lui. Intr-una din seri, prietena mea se cupleaza cu un tip. Eu ma duc in camera dupa ce am baut cateva pahare in plus. Dupa o ora in care ma zvarcolesc de pe o parte pe alta pentru a putea adormi, prietena mea isi face aparitia in camera fara sa aprinda lumina si se tranteste peste mine, moment in care scot un tipat destul de ascutit. Aud o injuratura pe care o repet si eu. Era tipul cu care se cuplase prietena respectiva. Se ridica amandoi cu chiu cu vai si in momentul ala se aprinde lumina in camera. E <i style="">A</i>. ‘Ce ati patit?’ intreaba el. Ii raspund ca cei doi urmau sa se reguleze cu mine pe post de saltea si ma ridic din pat. Cei doi isi cer scuze razand iar <i style="">A</i> ma invita sa dorm la el in camera daca vreau sa ii las pe cei doi porumbei singuri. Accept numaidecat, dar imi pastrez calmul si expresia suparata pe fata. Imi iau perna si telefonul mobil si ma las urmata de el in camera de peste hol. O singura veioza e aprinsa asa ca lumina era pe placul meu. L-am intrebat unde va dormi tipul cu care sta in camera si mi-a raspuns ca nu va dormi pentru ca pleca prin oras cu inca cativa. O situatie placuta pentru mine, ce-i drept. El se aseaza in pat si trage plapuma, dar lasa un colt la o parte pentru a intra si eu. Imi asez perna dupa care imi pun telefonul pe silentios dupa care il pun pe noptiera si ma asez in pat langa el. Sting veioza dupa cateva secunde, la cererea lui si ma invelesc cu plapuma. Dupa alte cateva secunde, simteam cum tremura si fara sa vreau, am inceput si eu. Imi cere sa il iau in brate pentru a ne incalzi. Il ascult si imi lipesc corpul de al sau. El sta pe spate iar mana dreapta si-a petrecut-o pe dupa umerii mei. Eu ii imbratisez pieptul. Dupa cateva minute, ne-am oprit din tremurat si mi-am mutat mana pe pieptul lui, in dreptul inimii. Imi ureaza noapte buna si eu ii raspund la fel. Apoi adormim. Cred ca totul a fost un mare cliseu pana la partea cu adormitul. Sper. Haha.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: normal;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-size:100%;" lang="FR" >Iar eu voi face exact acelasi lucru acum. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style=""><span style="line-height: 115%;" lang="FR"><span style="font-weight: normal;font-size:130%;" >Bon nuit, mon amour.</span><span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></i></p> </span></span>Veehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03761668110000545107noreply@blogger.com0